A Pretty Little Christmas Gift Guide: For Her

As promised the super girly Christmas gift guide has been delivered! 

It was so much fun putting this together actually and I'm really pleased with the outcome so I hope you enjoy it too. But who doesn't love a gift guide though right? It's always interesting to nosey at what other people have or suggest. 

I mean it's a quicker way to bankruptcy probably in my book but you only live once! As for me, I haven't been able to help myself recently because this year there are so many gorgeous pretty things out. So goodbye £££... hello goodies!

First up I want to point out that I have yet again decided to use this gorgeous candle from The White Company in yet another gift post because it's just so lovely and perfect for the winter season to get you into the Christmas spirit. The scent is a delicious blend of almonds and citrus which compliment it perfectly.

I mean how can you not have a candle burning of Christmas night? It's a must! Pop on a good film, get that box of Celebrations out on the table with the brews and a cheeky wine to go, you'll be all sorted then. 

So below are just the links to each of the items from above as shown if you are as ecstatic as I am for the upcoming holidays (I know I am!). 

3.  Paperchase Unicorn Pop-up Card

4. Biscuiteers Nutcrack Set

5. Charlotte Tilbury's Instant Eyeshadow Palette

6. The White Company's "White Christmas" Candle

7. Primark's Fluffy Pink Bow Slippers 

Now I've never ordered from the Biscuiteers before and this is the first time I've done so because I keep seeing them again and again on Instagram so I decided to just say "Ah what the heck" and got myself a box. Not just any box though! The Biscuiteers are known for doing cakes and biscuits which cater towards all holidays such as Christmas, Easter, Mothers day etc. I think it's so lovely though!

So I ended up buying a box of biscuits from the Nutcracker collection. The Nutcracker has always been a Christmas tale favourite of my own anyway since I was little because it brings back the memories of watching the old Barbie and The Nutcracker video (I wasn't just the only fan was I?). 

Also, I really loved ballet growing up too, I've always admired it and so this story means a lot to me. How gorgeous are these biscuits though? Clara in her little tutu!

It's a shame to eat these because they've had so much love and care gone into them especially with the icing decoration. I've decided to split the box between me and a friend (I hope she doesn't read this since it is part of her Christmas gift... ah!) because they're so beautiful. 

I have tried one and although they are quite chewy these biscuits do make a very tasty treat. They really would make a lovely gift for somebody this Christmas who has a big sweet-tooth! 

Or you could just buy yourself a box? There is always that option. Wink wink... 

Slippers are always a good gift to buy somebody at Christmas because it's so bloody cold! Whether the person you're buying for is young or old they're always ideal. 

I love these pretty pink bow slippers from Primark for just £4 too! Such a bargian and they're all still  in stock at the moment. However I would suggest running over and grabbing a few pairs because it's Primark. Everything goes very, very quickly.

Ahh! I absolutely love this card I picked up from Paperchase. It's the prettiest, unique little Christmas card I've ever seen you know... I bought it right away and it's going to a dear friend of mine soon. I'm not sure whether this is a unicorn or a reindeer but it's so cute! 

So if you're after something a little bit different this year then invest in one of these pretties! It's a bit of a change from the usual box cards and I think it would be a lot more appreciated! If I received one of these I'd never throw it away. 

Make up brushes are such a winner for any big make up lover and I couldn't resist bagging these Iconic London brushes once I got paid this month, I mean why not? 

They're so beautiful, feathery soft and fresh looking. I don't think I can bare using them just yet but these would make a lovely gift for someone who adores make up and the aspiring make up artists out there of course. 

The Charlotte Tilsbury Instant palette is one of my favourite purchases I've made so far this month and just look at it! I decided to keep it in immaculate condition just for this post and it's been so tempting not to use it yet! 

I have heard good things about this particular palette and a lot of other make up lovers have been over the moon with the results. 

The shades are gorgeous, they're so neutral yet vibrant. I think it's super cute how each of the three shades has their own little specific purpose but I say just use whichever whenever. It'll come in right handy for New Years eve too! 

The Zoella beauty Christmas bath collection is by far the prettiest bath collection I've ever seen! I think the grey, white and gold colour scheme go together so well. Isn't the packaging beautiful?! 

I thought the bath creme "Merry & Bright" looked promising and I was right! It's such a lovely thick creme for hot bubble baths and smells like fresh flowers. I love the little pom-pom too! It really does give the bottle that overall Christmassy vibe.

It would be a lovely gift for someone because hot bubble baths are a total must at Christmas!

So what do you think of these gift items? Have you got any ideas what you are buying your loved ones for Christmas this year? 


A Cutesy Gift Guide: Its time to get festive!

It's the most magical time of year again! It's come, it's here!  

Ahh! It's almost Christmas! Are you as excited as I am? 

I hope I'm not too late this year on the whole Christmas gift guide bandwagon, but even so though I still really wanted to take part and stick together some very Christmassy items I've purchased over the last couple of weeks. 

So first up comes the the festive bits and then I will probably start uploading a full on gift guide. Plus these are always handy as little stocking fillers anyway!

I got excited once I saw Christmas items put up on various websites and I started just stocking up. I mean why not? It's the time to festive after all! Oh I do love a good brew on Christmas morning though and then I usually lounge about the house in my pjs after the whole presents shenanigan is over and done with. So this beautiful kitty cat mug from Oliver Bonas would come in right handy for someone on Christmas morning. It'll sure bring the joy at the start of the day!

Plus on that chilly Christmas evening a candle is always lovely to light while you watch the telly and pig out on left over turkey sandwiches. So I highly recommend this gorgeous candle from The White Company in "White Christmas" for just £25. It smells like almond croissants with a dash of citrus somewhere in there too. It's bloody lovely!

 I ended up buying three, two as presents and one for myself because they're that lovely. It's quite a rare candle to have in the The White Company too as they don't always do this candle every Christmas... so grab one! 

1. Anthropologie's Shooting Star Holiday Gift Tags

3. Lush's "Star Light Star Bright" Bath Bomb

4. The White Company's White Christmas Candle

5. H&M Star Bauble 

6. H&M Lantern Baubles

7. Paperchase's Glitter Baubles

8. Oliver Bona's Cat Mug

9. TKMax Straw Gift Bags

10. Zoella's Snowella Body Mist 

I hope you enjoy this festive gift guide I've put together! It's been so much fun picking out the little bits and bobs. 

I have never tried these pretty "Star light, star bright" bath bombs from Lush before! I remember they had a similar edition out last year in white but I never really got hold of one. Still though it this one looks promising! 

They smell like clementines and lavender so the scent is a little bold but it's quite subtle at the same time. They're packed with such moisturising oils when I read up the ingredients that these bath bombs contain such as ginger oil, mururmuru butter, lime oil, almond oil ect and just to let you know they're super, super glittery. These would make a lovely gift! 

"It's not what is under the Christmas tree that matters, it's who around it."

How about some lovely new baubles to put on your tree this year? Now I don't usually buy new baubles because in my house we have a strict tradition and keep to the same ones each year. Some of ours are literally older than me but they have such a special place in my heart... I can't possibly get rid of them. They hold so many memories.

Still I thought maybe adding a few new ones to the pile will liven our old tree up and new memories can be made then.

How beautiful how are these ones from H&M Home though? They're so pretty! Right now H&M are doing so many deals including free shipping so I reckon you should stock up before these all run out!  

These Anthropologie gift tags are so cute! I couldn't pass up buying these for presents this year and although you only get three in a pack I still think they're quite unusual. Sometimes it's nice to go that extra mile to make someone's gift lovely. It's the time for giving and if you're going to give then I think putting effort into it matters. 

But I just love how they represent shooting stars and the little sayings on them are precious. I would love to receive a pressie with one of these on... wouldn't you?! 

Have you got ideas on what you're going to buy for your loved one for Christmas yet? 


A Little Christmas Gift Guide

Blimey... Christmas sure does come by very quickly doesn't it?

I feel like it does nowadays more than it ever did before when I was growing up. Sometimes I do wonder if Christmas really is just for children and when it does have that factor, it is lovely to just see people you haven't seen in such a long time and gather around as a family during the holidays. 

So far I have actually managed to do all my Christmas shopping mega early this year (yay!). I'm so glad though, I wanted to get it done whilst I have the money and with the shops not being as manic as they usually are when Christmas nears closer. 

Still though if you haven't had a chance to go online looking at all the stores due to work and school because of course life gets in the way, especially during this time of year with all the festivities taking place. But you're perhaps you're a bit stuck this year on what to get your mother, sister, partner or your friend, so I've popped together a list of some pretties in which you can buy as a gift this year. 

1. Kate Spade Rose Gold Studded Earrings

2. The White Company Candle "Winter"

3. Ted Baker Rose Foam Petals

4. Oliver Bonas 2018 Diary 

5. YSL 'Tatouage Couture' Liquid Lipstick in "Nude Interdit"

6. Ted Baker Bow Keychain

7. Olivia Burton Bow Chain Bracelet

8. Watermelon Glow Sleeping Mask

9. Lush's Sleepy Body Lotion

10. The White Company's Bed Socks

I'm absolutely dying to try the watermelon glow mask though! It looks so dreamy and I've heard such good things about it. Do try the gorgeous "Sleepy" body lotion from Lush because it smells immense and it's super, duper moisturising! I wouldn't mind another batch of it myself this Christmas! 

What do you fancy this year for Christmas?


My Routine To The Perfect Winter Cosy Night In!

Gosh! Winter should does come fast doesn't it? Christmas is right around the corner and with all the wonderful festivities the cold comes with it. Now I don't really enjoy getting up in the mornings when it looks like it could still be midnight outside but that's just how it is unfortunately. 

Frost bitten fingers, snotty noses and freezing long walks to the train station aren't very fun. Still though at least we can unwind once we get home by getting a nice warm, popping on the kettle with the marshmallows out at the ready and run a nice hot bath. 

So how I usually like to unwind is usually have a nice herbal green tea or a hot chocolate. I always go for Options since Cadburys does nothing for me anymore (I find it so watery!). 

Then I pop on a gallop of squirty cream, add some marshmallows and perhaps a few of my favourite chocolates on top just to pick at! Don't forget the choccy! 

I have to always have a candle on the go at this time of the year when I'm settled down or in my room. Not because of the dark but mostly because I feel really much more toastier with one lit and the room is absorbed with a lovely scent which makes me feel so relaxed. So light one and get your favourite playlist on then simply chill.

Some of my Christmas candle favourites are:

Yankee Candle's Snowflake Cookie

The White Company's  Winter

Primary's very own candle in Gingerbread 

Yankee Candle's White Cocoa

A long nice lovely hot bath always does the trick to heat you up. I enjoy throwing in my favourite bath cremes and watching my bath bombs fizz before getting in. 

Recently I have been loving the gorgeous Lush bath bomb "Twilight" due to its relaxing lavender yet extremely sweet scent. It is a mixture of rich, malty with a hint of floral perfume combined. It's probably my favourite bath bomb yet from Lush. It's been out a while but it is definitely a winner. 

Also Lush is currently doing a delicious body lotion called "Sleepy" right now and its truly beautiful. It smells exactly like their Twilight bath bomb too! So I ended up purchasing the pair of them together - the more the merrier right? 

Plus you can't not have one of the beautiful "Magic Wands" from Lush either! They're a definite Christmas must have when it comes to baths. Look at pretty and pink they are! They're perfect for a bit of bath time fun for those who like some magic in their lives. I know I do! Light up some tea candles, grab that glass of wine or a brew if you have to, then get the bubbles piling high and just snuggle down into the water, relieving any worries or pent up stress you may have.  

Tell me, how do you usually settle down on these chilly evenings? 


Want To Stick Around For A Quick iPhone 8 Review?

This is a fairly late post but I have decided to try out the new iPhone 8's camera for a little while before deciding to write a review about it. Just so I can fully get to know this phone and since it isn't much different to my previous phone the iPhone 6S I can say that this upgrade has definitely made a massive change to my Instagram feed and well blogging in general. 

Since the colour scheme has changed within the iPhone palette for this year's release, the only options for the iPhone 8 is grey, silver and blush gold. The rose gold is out of the window sadly and as much as I do adore Apple's rose gold iPhone 6s I have to admit I much prefer the gorgeous blush gold. I think it is much more mellow and feminine. 

The rose gold is too vibrant and bold but it is still pretty. However I think the new blush gold is far up my street this time. It has a mature appearance to it too, maybe that's just me though. 

  • The iPhone 8 is has the fractions of a millimetre larger in every inch than the iPhone 7. It’s also 10g heavier than the iPhone 7 and 5g heavier than the my iPhone 6S. You can't tell much of a difference apart from the the iPhone 8 is a bit heavier. That's about it!

  • This phone a lot more fragile as the iPhone 8 is glass, front and back. I can't really tell though but when it comes to this devices feel, the glass is a double-edged sword. I highly recommend buying a good solid hard case and a screen protector as soon as you get it. We don't want any accidents!

  • It's fairly expensive. 

  • As for the screen, it's bigger. Much bigger by a 5.8 display that stretches to the edges of the phone, with a very thin bezel around the edge and a tiny lip at the top to house the camera, a flash and the earpiece. Still it is great for an LCD and since Apple's tone system from the iPad pro, the colours are altered on the display based on the ambient light. It is said that Samsung and other competitors have had very similar systems too on their own smartphones for a number of years now, plus it makes the screen more appealing yet however the colour accuracy suffers. 

  • I have noticed the speed difference between the iPhone 6s and the iPhone 8, the iPhone 8 is much faster than the other device. Also it is very handy to know that Apple has finally improved battery life for the 4.7in iPhone. So kudos to the bigger battery!

  •  The camera quality is a drastic change for me from my old iPhone 6S to the spanking brand new iPhone 8. Portrait mode is probably what I tend to use a lot now when I'm taking pictures and it's really handy to get those crisp perfect DSLR type of pictures. Since after shooting a good 100 or so portraits, I found that the Studio Light effects is one of my favourite. Emulating a good bounce of gold as if it literally popped outside the frame, it shines a good warm light on to your current object and within my selfies too. This enhances the face to stand out from the rest of the background without being too vibrant. 

  • Another handy camera feature being the hidden treasure as it is, Slow Sync is for the flash and it's amazing. It's said that photographic already know what this is, yet never everyone does and I'm no professional (haha! Nope) and I found through gaining some experience with Slow Sync that it is keeping the shutter open for longer and allowing natural light in when the flash is shooting. Resulting in the image being not only lit by the given light from the flash, instead it is banned with the light of the environment and creates a better balance shot with a natural appeal.

  • Screen: 4.7in LCD 1334x750 (326ppi)
  • Processor: Apple A11 Bionic
  • RAM: 2GB of RAM
  • Storage: 64/256GB
  • Operating system: iOS 11
  • Camera: 12MP rear camera, 7MP front-facing camera
  • Connectivity: LTE, Wi-Fiac, NFC, Bluetooth 5, Lightning and GPS
  • Dimensions: 138.4 x 67.3 x 7.3mm
  • Weight: 148g

I would recommend the iPhone 8 for those who probably want a better improvement within the camera department. It charges quicker and it's fairly similar to the iPhone 7 from what I've heard so far. So if you already own an iPhone 7 then I don't think there is much point upgrading. So far I am enjoying the new phone and I'm just so happy I have that longer battery life because my old phone actually had a fair few problems anyway. 

Have you upgraded yet? Do you want to? Let me know!


20 Things To Do This Halloween

So it's Halloween once again... the year really does fly quite quickly doesn't it? As a child I always wanted the big American Halloween with the knocking on doors for sweeties to the running around windy fields in my costume giggling with friends and scary ourselves silly from the hooting of howls near by. 

It all seems so fun when you're young and there is so much more available for you to do like Halloween themed discos at the Brownies or Halloween themed marathons on Cartoon Network. Not having to worry about work while munching down countless amounts of sugar because it's fine when you have no proper responsibilities. 

But times change and eventually you have to grow up. That doesn't mean the fun has to stop though, right? Of course not. That is why I have come up with a handful of ideas to do on Halloween whether it's a work night or not. 

1. Pumpkins! You simply cannot celebrate Halloween without a good pumpkin there to warm the household up on a cold Autumn evening. They're such fun to do and there is so many ideas out there you can choose from! Whether it's painting them, eating them or even just the old fashioned carving.

2. Horror movies are definitely my favourite thing to do on Halloween! I love a good horror with a pile of snacks on the side to munch from. However I always end up watching 'The Halloween Tree" first before anything else even though it's a cartoon. It's a Halloween tradition in this house!

3. A nice hot bath with your favourite bath bombs and cremes for that big bubbly mess! It sounds boring but it's not - Lush and Bomb Cosmetics have so many Halloween bath bombs available right now to pick from. 

4. Bake some delicious Halloween themed cookies or cakes! If you're based in the UK then places such as Poundland, Wilko or B&M have many Halloween baking utensils available for cheap which you can pick up! 

5. Drink pumpkin spiced lattes. Mmm!

6. You could always do some research and find where an actual haunted location is near you! I have always wanted to do this and one year I might. 

7. Go on a ghost walk! They usually do them on Halloween each year so maybe near yourself there could be one. Spooky! 

8. Look up some tasty recipes for Halloween inspired cocktails! Now this is one that I really, really want to try now (ha ha!) 

9. If you are not into celebrating Halloween by dressing up fully in costume then pop on some dark themed everyday make up such as i.e dark lipstick, eye shadow and heavier mascara! Go for that chic vamp look!

10. Scare yourself silly by reading some thrillers or even just browse online with a scary horror movie playlist from Youtube!

11. Visit a pumpkin patch! 

12. You could always just have a lovely little pamper night all to yourself - I might do the same as I am dying to try my new delicious body lotion in 'Perle De Coco' from Otherstories and just lounge around my room doing absolutely nothing. Perhaps pig out on some chocolate and popcorn until I get tummy ache! 

13. Throw on some cat ears!

14. If you're bored then perhaps you could always do some digging into history books or have a look online at some mysteries unsolved. Whether it's to do with space, murders, superstitions or just general history that is a little bit gruesome... It can be quite interesting!

15. If you're also a blogger - you could always get cracking on some Christmas content? 

16. DIY some apples and make candy apples! Melt some chocolate, grab some sprinkles and wooden ice-lolly sticks. Jobs a good'un! They're such a delicious treat. I usually love mine covered in chocolate rather than the toffee. 

17. Paint your nails but do them Halloween themed! Barry M has a good spooktastic selection going on right now for the nails. 

18. If you are buying a pumpkin and the day after Halloween maybe try to put your pumpkin to use rather than chuck it away! Here are some great ideas on how to recycle your poor pumpkin. There is no excuse!

19. Make sure you have some toffees and treats in for the trick or treaters! 

20. You could always grab all the sheets you have lay around or any left over bedding and make a massive den in the living room or even just over your bed! Even camping out in the garden telling ghost stories can be quite fun too! 


My October Goals! My Flaws & What Could Be Improved

The months just keep flying by don't they? Blimey. 

Well I think I am getting on just fine since the horrible happenings during summer and I going down a route where I can safely say 'I am getting there' thankfully enough. 

I have some good news! I can finally announce that I am going to Tokyo at the end of May 2018 and I am absolutely over the moon. I'm so incredibly happy, I have been wanting to go to Japan since I was eleven years old ever since my pre-teen otaku little self got into manga and starting learning more about the country. I'm super delighted! 

Also I will be able to meet friends from Japan I have had for the past six years or so! Pen pals and Skype friends who can finally meet me, we can grab a drink and perhaps hang out. It'll be an excellent experience. 

My aunt said it may be the making of me as I am going alone and the reason why I am going alone is because not all of my friends can afford it. Tokyo isn't a cheap place, it's actually slightly cheaper than London and Paris but it is still pricey. So look out for the spam of posts and all the recommendations I will be posting! 

Trust me. There is going to be a lot of pictures! Perhaps even a short vlog...

It's time to get stuck in!

When I say this I am talking about actually motivating myself to start my university projects, which I am finding incredibly difficult at the moment. I just cannot seem to concentrate on what I have to do! The most I have done is open up Adobe Indesign, create a series of pages to begin my journal and write the title of my essay. I'm in third year now and it's so much harder to make the grade apparently, I'm bricking it and stressing before the stress period has begun. 

Plus it doesn't help our deadline is super, super early too. We finish for Christmas far earlier though which is good but at the moment it's dire to get everything done to the best of our abilities. I don't know how I'm going to do this... I spend more time at home than I do university anyway which is no excuse really. I always feel really lethargic, sleepy or just need to do something else before starting my projects. Hopefully it can change.

Am I making an effort?

One thing which has been irritating me lately is my blog posts and I always think they don't contain the best pictures. I know, I know my last phone wasn't exactly the best and so therefore the camera quality was pants. Now I have upgraded to the iPhone 8! The camera is amazing, I love it so much and it's improved my Instagram feed drastically. You can really see the difference in an instant!

So I think what I must start doing is take my time with each post, make sure the photos are the best of the best before I hit that publish button.

But I love a good pig out! 

What even is a diet anymore? I can't even recall when my diet didn't include a hot chocolate on a daily basis, a pasta pot here and there or the odd block of chocolate at night. I'm terrible! I always have been to be honest. 

However I have noticed myself getting a lot more out of breath just climbing stairs up to New Look or even the train station. I'm knackered! I really need to get back at the gym and improve my fitness because it's bloody terrible right now. 

More than anything I need to get into a routine in order to balance university, work and going back to the gym together. I just end up craving... especially when I get stressed with the workload. 

Health and myself come first... right?

I know the whole mental health and self care thing is practically a trend right now, I do like how it is being highlighted a lot nowadays and taken into account so much more than it did when I was still at school that's for sure. But as I mentioned in my previous post featuring how I am dealing with slight depression and the current grief I am still going through, I am finding it difficult as well as trying to keep it together and continue with life. 

I'm kind of glad this is my last year of university because at the moment what I am earning isn't too great, I'd love to be on better money in a job I like and in a better place where I could meet new people too. Just being happy and moving on but with university although it's alright it isn't that great. 

It just feels really bland, antisocial and quiet most of the time. Plus I'm sick of the commuting to another town too because it's such a ball ache and when I do get to class I feel like I get more done at home as opposed to sat there listening to my tutor waffle on.

 I'm just getting restless really and craving the moment I get to leave so I can move on I suppose. I had high hopes for university while everyone gets super excited I found myself to be placed in a class where it feels isolated, boring and draining. But I guess I only have around eight months left until I leave. I'm going to start concentrating on me more and loving myself though, focus on my future and what has to be done. 

Do you have any particular goals right now that need doing this month? Let me know! 


Go Grab A Cuppa! This Is How I Am Dealing With Depression & Grief

Yeah so, this is going to be quite a deep and very long post... Recently the past few weeks have not exactly been the best and I will have to say that they've been the most difficult ones I have ever had to endure.

I do not think I have ever felt this alone before in my entire life really, I lost my dear grandfather around two months ago now and it still feels like yesterday getting those banging knocks on my bedroom door with mixed emotions in my grandmother's voice telling me the news.

All I can remember at that moment is feeling nothing, absolutely nothing whatsoever. Well if you can take numbness being a feeling which I don't think really is because it is as if time is still in your body and you can't really breathe or when you try it kills. 

Thats kind of how it feels. With all the tears shed,  sleepless nights with the odd couple of panic attacks thrown in and all the pretty flower bouquets from those close we know - it just doesn't feel real.

You hear about it on the news, from a friend of a friend hearing how someone in their family has died or someone online. But when it happens to you it is a whole different story. The thing is, it can happen to anyone at anytime. The reality is that death can't be avoided. 

"Knowing someone isn't coming back
doesn't mean you ever stop waiting.”

I still can't let the fact that a man who raised me, who I saw every single day of my life and treasured had to leave us, be taken from us so suddenly without even as much as a 'goodbye' or 'I love you, see you soon love'.

I know for some people when you tell them a grandparent has passed away they simply think "Ah well they were old anyway..." or they don't understand the bond and probably only ever see their grandparents every couple of months despite them living around the corner in the next block of flats.

This was a lot different for me and my family though because of how much of a strong character he was.

It's taken me a fair while to get the guts to write this as the whole incident is pretty fresh still but I can manage to get through this without just bawling.

They say the grieving process requires five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and accepting the fact that your close one has simply been granted their time. The whole of this process is a structure to help us understand and frame what we may be feeling. But I have learnt that there is literally no right or wrong way when it comes to grieving.

You cry when you take a shower when you notice their old toothbrush lingering in the holder, you well up with tears walking the dog because you know the dog was always taken out by them and even your own pet is wondering what is happening.

Then you could be shopping at the supermarket when you remember what their favourite food was or may have just passed something they loved to eat.

Then the anger kicks in and you curse whoever it is above, you get angry just by looking at others happy on Instagram and think "Why do I have to feel like this? Why do they get to be so happy?!"

It's ridiculous but I have felt like this, even though that person who I am viewing could be going through a rubbish time themselves. 

We all know Instagram is a portal of the lives people only want others to see and never the true real deal. So with that knowledge I just brush my bitterness off the best I can.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one else can steal."

I think depression has come back to consume as of late too, it isn't only due to losing my grandfather either but just lack of confidence in myself as a whole. I have felt this way since I was around fifteen back when I was in high school. It was my lowest point - I would think about the worst ways possible I could hurt myself in and just dark thoughts consuming me. 

Anyone who knew me from high school would know I was very quiet, I still am but I am a lot more talkative now and open compared to my awkward teenage self. The reason why I didn't speak too much was because I was very overweight back then and I always worried incase I was made fun for my weight as I had over the years anyway. 

I lost the weight and not in the best way but I did loose it, I thought it would make my life a whole lot better and did it? Not really. I don't feel any better as a person or happier. My body isn't perfect either as the tops of my thighs still rub slightly, my arms aren't really toned and there is loose skin on my tummy but hey ho - there is bigger problems in the world. 

I think I have become too comfortable with disliking myself that it's now normal and I can never see myself in a positive life. I still do sadly, I am trying though. Some days I will wake up cheery, all smiles and throw on a short mini skirt with the brightest red lipstick on to make myself feel better for the day. 

Then the next I won't wear make up, instead I'll hide away in leggings and an old baggy t-shirt then not leave the house all day apart for work early in the morning where I can't be seen by the general public legging it up the high street. 

  "A friendship that can cease has never been real." 

I have also learnt this year that friendships don't always last. They don't and even the people you have known for years since you were in primary school can suddenly vanish out of your life. Not everyone is trustworthy either however you live and learn. Good friends will come eventually and when they do, you'll know.  

"Time heals what reason cannot."

So what is exactly the cure to all of this you are probably wondering? Nothing. 

The only cure is to keep going day by day and continue interacting with people because I have found previously that by completely introverting myself doesn't help at all. 

It never does and the best way is to wear your heart on your sleeve, open up and speak about how you feel. 

I have been doing this more and it has slightly helped me. I haven't gotten to the point where I may need professional help but for now I am stable. There is no shame in seeking therapy at all but I just don't think I need it. I'm still an emotional wreck but I am healing and finding solace within my own heart by moving on.  

But despite people saying that time is the best healer I think keeping busy or even just sat around your room listening to your favourite song can help a lot. Even if it is just any song, music helps a lot or so I have found. 

Also going for a walk can cleanse your mind whether it is by yourself walking the dog or with someone else listening to what they have to say. The small things such as cleaning out the bathroom or spending some time at the gym helps. 

Even now after two whole months I am still finding ways to deal with my emotions, some days I will be completely fine and think about him but then other days I will tear up or get annoyed easily over anything. 

At the beginning I wasn't sure at all how to even go about what I felt because I have never felt such pain before in my entire life but now I have and I wonder to myself if it is easier this because incase I ever loose someone else again. 

Well I will, we all will at the end of the day whether we like it or not. I suppose you just learn how to deal with the loss better each time but the sickening reality of their passing never goes away. 

Even though everything is still very fresh, I have opened my else to the fact that I will never see him again, that's it and I will have to deal with it. I think one day within ten or twenty years time from now I will probably walking my children to school, washing plates in the sink or driving to work and I will think of loved ones I have lost. I will be okay, I will learn to smile again at their memory and that will be enough. 

At the moment I can't imagine really doing so because how do you ever over something like that? The truth is you don't. 

I know that everyone I know who has died up to this point in my life would want me to continue living my life. It's difficult. I know deep down that it will get better though. 

I hope that anyone who is reading this maybe finds some kind of release whether they're going through a tough time themselves or has also lost someone very dear to them too. Fight on!